Confessions from a TCK

Hardest Q ever: "Where are you from?"

I thought I’d do a little FAQ this week about myself, from the POV of a third culture kid (TCK) who moved around frequently growing up.  

For some serendipitous coincidental alignment in the universe this week, six people completely unrelated to each other and at completely different times asked me about what it was like to grow up as a TCK. They are all parents of TCKs themselves and maybe wanted the perspective or the reassurance of someone who went through it all.

This is not to say ALL TCKs feel the same, this is just my perspective on my upbringing and background! 

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Q1: Where are you from?

This is a question that sparks a tiny existential spiral in each one of us TCKs each time anyone asks it. 

I’ve probably never given the same answer twice in my life, as I tailor my answer every time depending on 1. Who is asking and 2. If I have the energy to go into it in detail. 

I usually say “Japanese” since it’s the passport I use the most. 

A longer answer is;

“I’m half Taiwanese, half Japanese, but grew up in Hong Kong, New York, and Singapore. Currently live in Tokyo.”

The detailed answer is;

Mom is Taiwanese. Dad is Japanese. 

Born in Taiwan.

0-10 Hong Kong

10-13 Tokyo

13-16 New York

16-18 Tokyo

18-20 Hong Kong

20-23 Singapore

Now: Tokyo. 

(Typical reaction: “wow! you’re so international!”)

Q2: Why did you move so much and was it difficult?

My father works in finance and is pretty good at what he does. So naturally, work took him places and we followed. 

(In Japan, whenever you meet a TCK like me, you can tell which industry their parents are in depending on the cities they live in. Usually, EU and LATAM are manufacturing, the US West Coast is trad tech, and the US East Coast is finance. Occasionally you get a “Tanzania” or “South Africa” and then you know they’re government folks.)

The short answer is, no it wasn’t so difficult. 

Chinese new year in Hong Kong! Fun fact, I reunited with two of these friends this year in NYC and Chicago!

Socially, I think I went through the same identity crises, desire to “fit in”, and friend drama as all other kids. Also, I don’t know if I’m just naturally outgoing or if it’s because of the moves that I became outgoing, but as I adapt pretty easily, making friends was never a big issue! I think it’s also because we moved around so much that I was always pretty close to my parents.

Academically, yes it was challenging. Changing languages at 10 and then 13 years old was not easy, but I think I still had it better than my sister because unlike her, I had 1 dominant language (English) up until I was 10 years old. She’s switched languages back and forth every three years since she was three years old.

My baby sister and I have a 6 year age gap so watching her go through similar moves and changes has been full of realizations.

Although occasionally I wonder how different my life would’ve looked if I had stayed in one single academic system for my entire life; if I could’ve been the top performer rather than the above-average one I was… But I also believe that becoming a top performer is certainly not a simple cause-and-effect thing but rather something created by many many factors. Having to figure out how to navigate a completely foreign language on my own ingrained a problem-solving and “I need to figure myself out!” mentality within me, which I am very proud of. 

Q3: What languages do you speak? 

I speak English and Japanese fluently, and Mandarin conversationally. 

The first two are because of schooling, while my Mandarin is completely from talking to my mom. While my mom, dad, and sister all have their dominant languages, at home, we speak all three interchangeably. 

I’m really glad my parents deliberately exposed me to both Chinese and Japanese cultures by putting me in completely Mandarin or Japanese places. Especially now as a working woman, not a day goes by when I don’t use all three languages, and I frequently make friends more easily than others purely because I speak their language and understand their culture. 

Also, being able to speak my parents’ mother tongues allows me to speak independently with my grandparents and relatives. It’s because of this I can understand my own parents better through my extended family (they always tell me juicy secrets;)

Me and grandma 💕

Q4: Do you feel Japanese?

Another existential crisis question; the short answer is no. 

I think this is largely because I am still the 1% of Japanese society that grew up overseas, and my main language is English; they will always see me as a “foreigner-ish” person. 

I feel the same in Taiwan and Singapore. A little less in the US, but still occasionally when I have to explain why my English is so good and why I don’t have an accent… 

The truth is though, the older I get, the more freeing it feels to not identify with a culture or tribe. I can conform to groups when I want to, but I’ve been feeling less inclined to these past few years. Being able to chat with anyone, anywhere is one of my strengths. Befriending the stranger next to me on a plane, the sweet cleaning lady at the office, or the people on LinkedIn I sent cold DMs to gives me so much joy. 

I love learning about people and the lives they live, and if growing up moving around so much has taught me anything, it would be that 1. The world isn’t as big and scary as it seems but, 2. There is so so so much for us to learn.

I would want to have TCK children myself, as from my experience, TCKs seem to view the world as a playground of possibilities, full of unknowns, and capable of change. I assume it’s from having to adapt and absorb so much from a young age. Needless to say, I don’t regret a single moment of growing up as a TCK as I reap the benefits of it, every. single. day. 

Feel free to ask any questions about being a TCK, I’m always happy to chat! Or even have me talk to your kid (I’ve done this before).

Thanks for reading! See you next week!!