I'm New.

Now what.

Hi all, happy mid-April.

It’s the week after cherry blossoms, and the seemingly infinite joy of springtime has slowly faded as pink petals whisked away into the skies. Newness has faded, already less apparent than just a week ago.

The discomfort of newness is more visible now that they are not protected in the shadows of novelty; it hits you that you’re in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people doing unfamiliar things.

So here’s my raw account of this realization, that novelty is the silver lining of change, and that change can be cruel and uncomfortable. But it’s only normal to feel so.

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I was anxious today. Maybe it was the lack of sleep. 

I found myself spiraling into cruel and unkind thoughts about myself. 

A traffic light breakfast. Classic.

I got to work at eight o’clock sharp. There were only two other people, one manager, and another principal. I went to my standing desk and settled my things down. The principal waves to me,

“You’re in here early! That’s nice to see!”

She smiles. 

Am I trying too hard? 

Does she think I’m a try-hard?

Is it ridiculous that I’m establishing my routine even though my work is so minuscule and unimportant compared to everyone else?

Around noon, everyone starts arriving. One by one people settle into cubicles that are covertly their own (we have reservation systems but no one uses it); those without pace around the office looking for empty desks. 

There are only two standing desks, and I’ve taken one. 

Should I move?

Am I taking someone’s spot?

Is it stupid of me to use this desk since I’m an associate?

Am I wasting company resources in terms of utility since I’m an associate? Isn’t there greater utility if a consultant uses this desk?

Do I look convincing? Does it look like I’m doing something important? Something WORTH a standing desk? 

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I went on a short walk with a consultant, and on the way out we walked into a swarm of PAMs; I said hello to them and I felt like they eyed me weird. 

Why is she walking out?

Why is she walking with a consultant from Singapore and not someone from Tokyo?

Isn’t she supposed to be at her desk?

I convinced myself that I felt it in the 0.3 seconds we made eye contact. 

I was a lot more confident last week when the premise was clear - it’s orientation week, so you’re here to learn. 

I barely questioned the questions I asked and took every chance to find answers to my thoughts. Activities and interactions were conducted under the assumption that we were blank slates. Nothing we did would or could be a surprise to anyone. 

This week felt different. We got our first projects, placed into assembly lines where the crews are already well acquainted with each other and the parts they deal with. 

Becoming the only blank slate can be a lonely experience. 

Everyone says “Feel free to ask me anything” but you end up being the only one asking anything. 

You try to be helpful with the minimal skills you have, only for your slides and notes to be heavily sanitized by other crew members. 

You feel (yes, feel) your own stench of incompetency and sympathize with those around you who probably want to stay as far from it as possible. I would stay away from me too. 

You fantasize about making a groundbreaking suggestion, only to remind yourself that you can barely make out what the slide deck is even about. 

My manager explained to me how drug approval processes work in Japan.

I’m writing this to remind myself that it’s only normal to be anxious in my first week of work. I’m starting from scratch, learning about an industry, work culture, company, people, and tasks that are so foreign to me. 

I feel incompetent because I AM incompetent, at least for now. But honestly, wouldn’t it be worse if I was already over-competent? That would mean that within the first week, I’ve already stretched out my legs as far as I can and that there’s no more room to grow. 

As for the negative self-talk and the waterfalls of self-doubt, it might be helpful to strictly categorize what is fact and what is not. Did they actually ask you why you aren’t at your desk? Did anyone tell you to move from the standing desk? Did anyone ask you to stay later than 6 pm? No is the answer to all of those, so until someone explicitly tells you so, just do as you please. 

In moments like these, I try to recall the fearless person I was who traveled across continents on my own just because I wanted to.

Sometimes it’s easier to live life if you take things at face value. Live an honest life by being honest to yourself but also by seeing others as honest beings. If they could, they would. 

Until then, focus on the biggest task at hand. You are here to grow. Everything that you do, let it be a part of you investing in yourself. If a standing desk prevents you from further injuring your back, stand at the desk. If going to a coffee meeting with a C will give you more insight into your project, go. If coming in early allows you more deep work time, do it. 

Don’t let the small voice of self-doubt derail you from serving your best self-interest. You are here to grow.

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