What is your ugly "why"?
Imparting some courage to myself.
What is your “why”?
And not the glorious, sparkly, “I want to create world peace” why.
It’s the why that threatens your identity. The why that tickles a very sore wound from your childhood. The why that reveals the gaping emptiness within that might never be filled. The why that tempts you to self-sabotage. The why that is your deepest and darkest fear.
I think we all have one or a few, regardless of whether we know it or have come to terms with it. And this is not the absolute true “why” that is deliberately hidden from others but rather an element to our regularly used, more visible “why”.
I’ve always been afraid of being ordinary and “one of many” and I think it was most evident in my high school days. I was (IMHO) the most active in extracurriculars, having done three internships and built two student orgs by the time I graduated. I was (am) proud of what I did, even if little legacy of it still exists today.
When teachers and classmates would ask me why I had the drive to do so much, I usually responded, “Because I just want to do everything and I can’t sit still”.
Now, this was true, as anyone who knew me from ages 13 to 18 years old would recall a bubbly social butterfly with the energy worth at least 3 kids. I was curious about everything and everyone, and hated nothing more than to sit still and be lectured; so I found joy in school elsewhere, through extracurriculars.
But at the same time, my biggest decisions were always made out of fear. While my first internship was out of curiosity, I applied to my second and third because people around me started getting internships too. I was deeply terrified of being “unspecial”, so I pulled all nighters searching for + applying to internships.
But the thing is, doing things out of fear is hardly sustainable because at the end of the day, that same fear comes back, taunting and sneering at you with the same set of eyes and teeth you saw months ago. That’s something I only learned when I started working at my up-teenth internship and realized how I still felt dissatisfied and unhappy.
But if the fear of being unspecial, unimportant, irrelevant, unwanted is my primary trigger of rash career decisions, I’d never find something that is truly meaningful and important to me.
It took clawing through raw past memories, a whole lot of courage, and the guidance of my friends to be able to see my vulnerable “why” and recognize it for what it is - something that a prestigious project or job won’t ever fix. I needed to stop looking for things that would make me “special” and therefore “well-liked” by others. It’s not something you can easily get from landing yourself a cool job.
So when I started looking for a full time job for after college, I became hyper-sensitive about differentiating 1. What I thought would serve me well and 2. What I actually liked.
So I ended up choosing the firm that had the most humane and warm outreach program, where every case interview I had was with accomplished and working women (the brand just came with it;).
Now, I don’t want this to sound like another cliche “I conquered my challenge” victory sob story, but I’d like to emphasize the importance of coming to terms with that ugly “why”.
Are you afraid of being alone?
Not being accepted?
Not being admired?
Not being special?