Why do we resist our feelings?

I will be happy when I want to be.

As children, we are simple. We feel upset when we are wronged. We show joy when our parents applaud us for doing the most basic things. We laugh when something is funny. We cry when we are hurt. 

As we grow older, while the seeds of our feelings are still the same, they become more intricately layered with contexts and people. We are taught how to feel and make sense of the world, sometimes in ways that are the opposite of how we want to feel. But for what? And more importantly, for whom?

I turned 24 this week. 

Usually, I love my birthdays as it’s a special day where I can shamelessly celebrate myself and make an occasion out of just existing. 

But this year, while my friends, family, and partner showered me with love and gifts, I experienced waves of self-doubt, overwhelmed with negative self-talk. 

“You shouldn’t wear your favorite dress because that’ll make you seem self-absorbed”

“Don’t seem too happy today, just because it’s your birthday” 

“Why are you expecting birthday texts today? Do you think you’re the center of attention?”

I found myself unwilling to let myself feel happy about my birthday like somehow I was deeply undeserving of the love and admiration. To show that I wanted that felt wrong.

But why? Because it would hurt other people’s feelings? Because of what others might think of me? Because I’ll seem conceited? Even though it was my birthday, I spent all of it thinking about the feelings of those around me. 

But what would you do if you were on an island with no one around you to judge, praise, disappoint, or berate you?

Would you cry when you want to?

Laugh when you want to?

Yell, “I’M ANGRY” when you want to?

After spending most of my special day concerned about what others might think of me, I realized that it’s really not that complicated. How our feelings can really be that simple if we want them to be.

In this life journey to live a meaningful life by working on myself, I’ve recently had more moments where I remind myself that it’s okay to feel the feelings that I feel. 

If I feel happy, I will let myself be happy.

If I want to cry, I will cry.

If I feel wronged, I will be upset.

There’s sometimes a little too much resisting the most authentic emotions we feel as humans. As if we’re supposed to live our entire lives telling ourselves to stop crying, stop being so happy, why are you angry? 

Feelings are how we process the world. Feeling what we feel is how we stay honest. It’s how we respect and honor ourselves. It’s how I would want my future kids to be. 

So, I hope to become more honest and forgiving in how I feel. So when my birthday rolls around next year, I’ll be happy about it without any hesitation.

Apologies for the confusing pictures. I recently went to The National Art Center in Tokyo. While I am usually not a fan of contemporary art, I found an adorable piece in the corner of the room (this is a zoom up pic from the website as I don’t have the full pic). Each little character on the gold snake spiral had its own personality, and I just loved how childish it felt.